I created this blog spot roughly 11 weeks ago, and between taking care of the little ones and not really knowing what to say, I’ve waited until now to actually do a post, so here goes...
While I was pregnant, a few weeks before my daughter’s birth (which was a mere 24 weeks ago), I woke up one night and had flash of inspiration (or more fear)... I had what I now refer to as a notebook moment, where I realised that I wanted to write out the story of how my husband and I met, how we got engaged, the story of our wedding day and the story of both my babies’ birth, just in case I one day no longer have the capacity to remember and tell the tales or more scarily, that I may not be around to tell my children or their children the all important stories of how they came to be.
In addition to this I also began to write a letter to my two children. In the letter I wrote about the important things I believed they needed to know... life lesson if you will, in the hope that if they were ever in doubt they could look at this letter and perhaps get some guidance on what to do or how to react... Thinking of what to say, and how to say it was a little difficult, but the hardest part is going to be trying to live the lesson I ultimately want them to learn. This in turn made me assess where I am in my life and where I want to go, and really ask myself “Is this where I want to be in my life right now? And if not where do I want to be and how do I get there?”
While I was pregnant, a few weeks before my daughter’s birth (which was a mere 24 weeks ago), I woke up one night and had flash of inspiration (or more fear)... I had what I now refer to as a notebook moment, where I realised that I wanted to write out the story of how my husband and I met, how we got engaged, the story of our wedding day and the story of both my babies’ birth, just in case I one day no longer have the capacity to remember and tell the tales or more scarily, that I may not be around to tell my children or their children the all important stories of how they came to be.
In addition to this I also began to write a letter to my two children. In the letter I wrote about the important things I believed they needed to know... life lesson if you will, in the hope that if they were ever in doubt they could look at this letter and perhaps get some guidance on what to do or how to react... Thinking of what to say, and how to say it was a little difficult, but the hardest part is going to be trying to live the lesson I ultimately want them to learn. This in turn made me assess where I am in my life and where I want to go, and really ask myself “Is this where I want to be in my life right now? And if not where do I want to be and how do I get there?”
So for the where am I right now element:
In my profile it tells you that I’m a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and student... These are all roles that are very important on their own, but that’s not all I am. What it doesn’t tell you is that I’m also a housekeeper, a nurse, a teacher, a confidant, a sounding board, a faithful believer and so much more...
I won’t lie; being all these things all at once can be quite a struggle, especially when one role competes with another... The most common of these conflicts is the “Mother vs. student”... but here I am none the less... Actually in the vein of honestly, I struggle a fair bit at times. At the moment I’m torn between wanting to be there for my two babies~ wanting to do motherly things like going to/ host mother’s group meetings; taking my son to his swimming and music lessons; having time set aside to do craft & learning activities... But I also want to continue with my uni degree, it’s helping to shape me into the person I want to be, so it's really important to me and ultimately it will be important to my family, the things is to do uni I have to sacrifice a bit of the ‘Mummy’ element... I have to be prepared to not spend as much time with my babies while I study or do assessments... Sadly it feels like to be good at one thing I have to not do as well at the other and vice versa, and is it fair to do a half hearted job on either given their importance??So I’m in the dilemma of “Do I or Don’t I??” Do I enrol in distance education (knowing it’s probably the best option time wise for me, but will require a massive amount of motivation)?? Do I put uni on the back burner until both kids are in school & I’m not as time poor (so it may be about another 5yrs)?? Is this really something I want to put off??
It’s been my dream since I was in primary school to become a teacher, in 2008 I finally got the guts to pursue that dream within a month of starting my degree at Newcastle University, another long term dream started to be fulfilled too... I fell pregnant with my son; I was finally going to become a Mummy... At the time I fought the impending decision I’d have to make between career and motherhood, sincerely believing I was superwoman and could have it all, “Absolutely I can study for university degree, maintain a household, be a fantastic wife & an even better mother... what’s that you said?? I won’t have time for anything else?? Nah, I’m going to have the perfect baby, who will sleep through the night, be totally breastfeed and everything will be great, and really come on, with a baby, a husband and study what else could I possibly want?”
Ahhh WRONG!!! Not only did I not have the perfect baby who slept (he didn’t sleep through until he was 16mths old) or breastfeed (he was comp fed from 3wks and then totally bottle fed by 6wks on because of major supply issues), I actually had a total life imbalance...
Like most new Mums I struggled to maintain the household (ie: cook, clean & make sure there was fresh food in the house) and because of this struggle I felt guilty that I wasn’t contributing enough to the my relationship with my husband (therefore I wasn’t being a fantastic wife) and ultimately I felt far from a good mother (actually there are days where I genuinely feel like I’m failing my children simply by being their mother)... So where is uni supposed to fit into all of that??? How do I possibly attempt to alleviate the guilt of not being the fantastic wife and great Mum, when I’m trying to squeeze doing study into the remaining hours left in the day?
As it currently stands, the only time I get to sit down and do something for me is when both children are in bed (so after 8pm on a good night), typically by that time I’m mentally shattered and can only just follow what’s going on in the TV program I’ve recorded. During the children’s waking hours, I’m usually taking the opportunity to go visiting or shopping or do housework around two very distracting/ messy monkeys, if I’m lucky I’ll get to sit for a minute or so to go to the toilet, but most of the time I’m not that lucky unless someone else is on hand to distract them... 90% of the time the meals I remember to eat (yes I do often forget to eat breakfast or lunch- a bad thing to do I know) I have to gobble it down or I end up sharing it with the eldest monkey (how I’m not wafer thin still baffles me!)
It’s not totally tragic of course, there are good days, where my little boy is amazingly helpful and attentive, my baby girl is ridiculously delightful & easy to handle, and the world seems to take it easy on me; On days like that I think that I can go back to uni, and then I feel guilty that I’m not already there, taking the appropriate steps to get that dream of mine... It all comes down to balance. But the thing with having Post Natal Depression, is trying to find the balance between the good days and the bad, and that balance is a very tricky thing to get...
So given all of the above, you may be able to see why I have the dilemma that I do. I would love nothing more than to be that super woman who can devote herself to her kids and still maintain a career (which in my case is to study)... problem is I’m not super woman, and very sadly I feel that I have to make a choice my babies or my future happiness in my career... What would you choose?
